Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Stress and happiness

What a mixture!

The girls are a week old today.  It feels like it's been a complete roller coaster and we have just begun.

Oakley was doing so well the last couple days they had her off of CPAP and only on a nasal cannula.  Early this morning I got a call from the doctor at the usual time 10am and she mentioned that they had to turn Oakley's cannula up a bit and that I shouldn't be too surprised or frustrated if she is put back on the CPAP.  She also said they will start to feed her again today since they've noticed her stomach has cleared up a bit.  Kenzington is also doing better with her feedings and has had her CPAP turned down to a 6.

Well sure enough we go in to see the girls today and Oakley was back on her CPAP machine.  =( I know it's a normal 2 steps forward 1 step back kind of thing and it's better to have her on the CPAP than to have her back on the ventilator .  It is just really hard to watch those step backs happen.

It was time to change their diapers and I decided I would change Kenzingtons.  I could tell she was fussy from the moment we walked in and she was ready to let everyone know how unhappy she was.  After changing her she cried for almost 15 minutes straight, raising her heart rate super high making me and dad all stressed out having to sit back being unable to do anything!  I couldn't handle it in all honesty, I should be able to pick up my child when they are distressed like that and help them calm down.  All I could do was sit there and watch and try to give her her binki and hope she calmed down soon.

It also didn't help that we had a new nurse tonight that I've never met who I swear acted like she was either out of it or didn't have a clue as to what was going on!  Every nurse we've had so far has been so wonderful and every time we are in you can just tell they love watching over our girls and are buzzing around like busy bees to make sure they are comfortable.  It's almost like the girls cries were warning me they didn't like this woman!

Not too long after Kenzington was crying her sister kicked in. So Austin and I split duties.  Eventually Kenzington fell asleep probably due to exhaustion from the crying.
Luckily Oakley calmed after being fed some milk and was given her binki.  In fact she became wide eyed and bushy tailed after that.  We had never seen her so awake since she's been born, it's been her sister who's always awake.  She seemed to be able to focus so well on our faces we sat there laughing as one of us would move our heads and she would try to follow with her eyes then get her vision caught on the tubes in front of her face and go cross eyed like her eyes crashed in the middle of her nose! It was adorable.

She recognized our voices though, especially her dads.  Any time he spoke she would try to find him.  I couldn't help but stare in awe at how beautiful she was.

Oakley soon too fell asleep and I used this time to go take care of mommy business while Austin stayed behind to watch them.  When I got back the nurse said I could hold Kenzington if I wanted.  Of course I did, I hadn't been able to hold her yet and I couldn't wait.  She slept through the moving process of all the tubes and gadgets to get to my arms.

We sat there for probably only 15 minutes but it was some of the best minutes I've ever lived.  She was calm, every so often moving her little eye brows up in her sleep.  I noticed movement under her blanket and saw that she had grasped both of her hands together and was squeezing them together now and then.

Soon it was time for us to go and we had to put Kenzington back.  She didn't like that much at all.  She started to cry again and it took some time to get her to calm down.  Once she did we stepped out to head home.

It was almost as hard as the first night we went home from the hospital.  I was in tears and trying to think of ways to get a ride in the morning to go see them to make sure they made it through the night OK.
I decided I'm just going to have to settle with calling them during one of my early morning pump sessions to see how they are.

Luckily I have the perfect husband who tries his best to let me know it will be alright.  I just can't help but to pray and cross my fingers every night when I go to bed that the next morning will bring something bright to look forward to!

Till then, I just need to breath in and out and keep recovering for myself so that I'm strong for them.

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